I have been medically diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I have been asked to visit a neurologist regularly, get annual MRI scans of my brain, and do a monthly infusion of an MS treatment to hopefully slow the progression. “You have to do this,” they tell me, “or you will be in a wheelchair.” So I do it. This is me. The sick girl who spends half her income on medical expenses.
And then I come home, and I forget that I was ever there. I think there has GOT to be more to life, more to me, than this. This does not define me. Maybe I can find a better way. So I go to homeopathic docs seeking answers and I leave with this:
Having to take a bazillion pills a day doesn’t make me see myself in a more positive light, free and unattached to medical necessity. So I agree to join a fitness challenge group with my sister and a dozen other healthy people. I exercise every single day and attempt to eat meticulously healthy. But I don’t feel any better or worse and I think what is the point of all this? What am I actually trying to achieve or change about “me”?
Now I ask myself, who am I really? What is reality? Is it what is tangible and provable? Or is it what things appear to be in my own unconscious mind? Am I a sick person because doctors say so or a healthy person because…well…look at what I’m doing! And why does it even matter what is real? Doesn’t it only matter what feels real to ME?
Almost a decade ago my dad gave me a book recommendation. One of the things that stuck with me about this book was the following idea:
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering (concept from Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements).
I thought this was so interesting. And maybe also too much to wrap my mind around. I don’t do well with subjectivity. I like black and white, yes and no, I think within a verifiable frame of mind. For this reason I have a major preoccupation with being right all the time. I’d like for every doctor to be able to look at me and say, “Now here is a healthy person. You just do what you’re doing. You’re on the right track.” Here’s another idea to try to wrap my mind around:
I lived in Heaven before I came to Earth. My body and mind were perfectly healthy, my relationships had a purpose, my perspective was Eternal. Then my Father in Heaven said, “I’m going to send you to Earth for a short time so you can learn some stuff and when you come back to me you’ll be even better than you are now!” I’m sure that’s how he talks. And then he said, “The only catch is that your body won’t be quite so perfectly healthy, you may struggle in your relationships, and you won’t be exactly sure who you are or why you’re doing anything that you’re doing. And no one will be able to give you answers to these things because everyone will be in disagreement about why they’re there. You up for that?” For some reason I agreed. And here we are.
This Earth life is so confusing! There is a war going on, both inside me and in the world in general, about what matters and what doesn’t. Do I want my quality of life while I’m here to be good? Of course. Do I want to go back to Heaven? Definitely! Am I doing so many unnecessary things in my journey to achieve happiness and exaltation that I’m losing sight of what is really important? Yes…maybe?…I guess that depends on what really matters. So, in MY OWN REALITY, what matters and what doesn’t? Let’s give it some objective thought.
Things that NEVER matter:
•Which Salvatore brother Elena chooses today, whether or not Mitch and Cam’s wedding turns out the way they want, How exactly Ted did meet their mother, or who is next on Emily’s list of people to take out.
•That I wasn’t invited to whatever girls night, play group, or exercise club was going on yesterday.
•How many people come to events that I plan (“Don’t take it personally” says Ruiz)
•If today I eat a non-organic salad vs. an organic one, and tonight I have a cookie containing gluten and sugar instead of gf oats and agave.
•Whether or not I post on this blog or Facebook or anywhere else on a daily basis, or what I say when I do post.
Things that ALWAYS matter:
And most importantly, that I’m doing my best where these things are concerned. If I were to break down my reality to its most essential components, I would be removing most of the “stuff” I spend my time doing and worrying about daily. Now take a breath. Life really isn’t that complicated.